horoscope
Aquarius | Shiny Admirers & Existential Alien Fixes
Aquarius, the universe seems to be humming a particularly discordant tune today – a little like Nommo’s lost syllables, if you’re familiar. Venus has decided...
Nick Lawing
horoscope
Capricorn | Share Your Brilliance, Buy The Perfume
Ah, Capricorn, you magnificent, perpetually-slightly-frustrated creatures of the mountain. The universe is currently attempting to install a benevolent, open...
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Sagittarius | Sandcastles, Dragons, and a Little Debt
The cosmos sighs, dear Archer, and it seems you’ve been meticulously constructing elaborate sandcastles of regret – delightful, futile things, really. Like t...
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Scorpio | Velvet Pillows, Regret, and Risky Friends
Scorpio, darling, you’re currently orbiting a particularly dense patch of existential gray – much like that Apollo 8 shot, only with fewer rockets and signif...
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Libra | Synchronized Keys & Mismatched Magic
The scales of justice are perpetually tilted in 2026, Libra, and frankly, it’s exhausting. You’ll find that certain doors – the doors to joy, success, or, l...
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Virgo | Archive Overload: Embrace the Joyful Chaos
The Librarians of the Cosmos are currently wrestling with a backlog of accumulated wisdom, and frankly, Virgo, you’re starting to resemble a particularly clu...
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Leo | Become Your Own Judgmental Kale Recycler
Leo, darling, prepare for a glorious, slightly unsettling metamorphosis. The cosmos is currently gifting you the ability to consume negativity – not in a cut...
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Cancer | Algae, Coral, and Seriously Awkward Connections
The atmospheric rivers of 2026, dear Cancer, aren’t just meteorological; they’re reflections of your own emotional currents. A tiny shift in your desire – pe...
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Gemini | Greenland Sharks & Questionable Hostel Romance
The Greenland shark’s patience is contagious this Saturday, Gemini – a chilling reminder that the universe rewards stillness, particularly when you’re contem...
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Taurus | Chaos, Charm, and a Slightly Shinier Desk
The Taurus heart, bless its stubbornly delightful irregularity, is currently humming a tune only it seems to understand – a delightful little arrhythmia that...
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Aries | Rocket Ships & Spreadsheet Souls
Right, Aries, let’s talk. The universe is currently humming with a low-grade anxiety, like a refrigerator about to explode – those harmonic tremors Brezsny m...
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Pisces | Sparkle, Ignore, and Let the Universe Sigh
The cosmos sighs, a damp, slightly melancholic Pisces sigh, and whispers that 2026 is going to be…efficient. Don’t get bogged down in hypotheticals – you’re ...