Raising Boys: Navigating Anger and Feelings

I was elated and excited … and then worried about anger. There had recently been yet another school shooting, followed by yet another rash of headlines about boys, guns and rage. I understand the roots of that kind of violence are deeply complex, and that in my own life I am surrounded by loving, empathetic men. But I was also a hormonal soon-to-be first-time mom (who, in hindsight, was probably grappling with a touch of perinatal anxiety). I worried that I would raise an angry young man.

Of course it struck a chord. Now that I know my boys and have spent years watching their beautiful, complex little personalities unfold, those fears I held during my pregnancy seem distant and reductive. Of course they do not inherently struggle with anger simply because they are boys. And yet they do lash out — sometimes in frustration, sometimes when I ask them to do something they don’t want to. What I want is to help them navigate that anger, so they can experience the feeling, but not be overwhelmed by it.

“Parents need to give their children the tools to understand their feelings, and it needs to be developed just like developing understanding of other complicated and abstract concepts,” said Steven Meyers, a professor of psychology at Roosevelt University in Chicago. The body releases adrenaline (the hormone that plays a key role in the fight-or-flight response) and the heart rate and blood pressure go up. It is absolutely fine — and sometimes really positive — to feel angry. It’s when that anger is not managed in a healthy way that it can become problematic.

So here are some tips for parents to keep in mind. First, understand that there can be differences in how boys and girls experience and express anger. Obviously, there is so much nuance when it comes to individuals, emotions — and how they express those emotions. It is not fair, nor accurate, to say that all boys experience anger one way, while all girls experience it another. And research shows it is a myth that boys and men experience anger more than girls and women.

Yet experts say there can be big broad-strokes distinctions parents might want to at least have in mind as they help guide their children through all of this. “Psychologists have a saying that boys externalize and girls internalize. This means that boys are more likely to take their anger and distress and direct it outward, where it can become verbal or physical aggression. On the other hand, girls are more likely to direct their anger and frustrations inward towards themselves, so it can become self-blame or even depression,” Meyers said.

Help your child learn how to label his feelings. “The first step to stress and anger management is to help your child identify what’s going on, and to empathize with it,” said Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, a social worker who runs a private counseling practice in St. Louis that focuses on anxiety counseling and anger management for children and teens. Young kids don’t always recognize what they’re experiencing. Heck, adults struggle to identify their root feelings a lot of the time. But if you don’t understand what the problem is — in this case, feelings of anger or frustration that might lead a child to act out — you can’t solve the problem. Labeling the feeling is so important.

Be soothing. Although parents might react to a child’s anger or outburst by walking away (and strategic ignoring can certainly be one way to help diffuse tantrums), experts say there is a strong argument to be made for soothing children. “Anger can overwhelm young children. They do not necessarily have the ability to calm themselves down so that they become more reasonable,” Meyers said. “There are many ways to soothe and comfort an angry young child, but it may require a shift in the parent’s mindset or focus in the moment.”

Be patient and calm. Make it clear that you’re not looking to just stifle or deny their anger in the moment — which is especially important with boys, who have historically been taught to bottle up their emotions. The goal is ultimately to help your kids get to a point where they’re able to self-soothe, perhaps by taking deep breaths, walking away or taking a few moments to themselves to calm down. By acting calm and soothing in the moment yourself, you’re modeling compassion for oneself and for others, which is a very good thing.